Audio Ageplay and Sonic Spankings: The Rhetorical Work of Podcasts to Demystify Kink

Introduction

In an early episode of his now long running podcast, sex advice columnist and kink activist Dan Savage received a message from a distressed young listener. The individual — who describes themself as a “24-year-old [straight] female … or bi, I don’t really know” (Savage, 2010) — at first recounts a life of successful recovery and absolute bliss. Nearly four years of sobriety following a dangerous drug dependency? Check. A healthy and stable long-term partnership with an emotionally compatible lover? Check. Mind blowing action in the bedroom? Check, check, and check. On a first pass, the listener seems to describe a life enviable not just to those fighting substance addiction, but by any number of people who are stuck in unsatisfying relationships, who are attempting to escape domestic abusers, or who struggle to form meaningful bodily bonds with others.

So, what is the problem? To use the listener’s own words, the sex with her boyfriend is “amazing ... sometimes,” but at other points:

Though it may seem like an interpersonal paradise from the outside, this woman’s perfect relationship lacks one essential element: kink, or pleasure derived from the transformation of atypical, often negative actions into desirable ones. The sugar may be nice, and at times even amazing, but she needs to add some spice to the mix to feel fulfilled.

Within the context of a handbook on communication strategies, this listener’s call is noteworthy for two major reasons. First, it describes a woman suffering not from uncertainty about what she wants in life, but from a breakdown of the language used to convey those desires. Every beat of her message evidences this fact, from her initial waffling about whether she should describe herself as heterosexual or bisexual, to her use of drugs to break free of the inhibitions that limit her expressive capabilities, to the conflation of kink with sexual abuse which led her to try and silence both parts of herself (the trauma and the desire) in order to feel safe. The listener knows she wants to be bound, or choked, or spanked, or diapered, or pierced, or to participate in whatever particular types of fetish play she happens to find arousing. She simply does not have the ability to communicate such needs with her partner sans substantive sensory impairment, and her struggle to do so is causing a level of anguish that necessitates external guidance.

Second, the call provides a compelling case study about how to resolve such articulatory dilemmas. Rather than respond to the woman asynchronously, as he does for most of his listeners, host Dan Savage decides to phone her directly. Their conversation begins with a series of yes or no questions: “When you were drunk and high, did you ever get on a bus? … did you ever go to the movies? … take a shit? … eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner?” (Savage, 2010). Following nothing but positive responses, Savage affirms that the woman “can have kinky sex clean and sober just like you do all those things now clean and sober,” making sure to clarify that the addiction was the problem, not the desire. The conversation continues at a breakneck pace, with the host outlining the specific words, sentences, and rhetorical techniques the listener can use to reveal her erotic needs to her boyfriend while ensuring that their interpersonal bonds remain strong. As the host notes, the goal is to utilize language in such a way as to “build an addition to [their] big sex house,” a special “kink wing,” without destroying its existing foundation. Finally, Savage reveals the major kicker. If the woman is still having trouble discussing these things with her boyfriend, he advises her to “play him the goddamn podcast, you and me talking, and then talk.” If the listener’s voice fails, rely on the host’s voice to get things started.