Abstract
Extra-relational sexual involvement is generally a taboo topic, with most Americans expecting their partners to remain faithful and monogamous in their relationship. However, while some couples exhibit traditional, monogamous relationships, other couples engage in consensually open arrangements for one or both partners. The spectrum of how relationships manifest make the taboo topic even more complex. This chapter examines episodes of Dr. Esther Perel's podcast Where Should We Begin? wherein couples seek therapy to discuss their primary romantic relationships after non-monogamy. Using relational dialectics theory, themes were identified through open-coding episode transcripts. Prominent among those codes were identification of relational needs, primary dialectical tensions, and fetishes within the relationships. The communicative practices of couples who experience non-monogamy as a result of open relationships as compared to those who experience affairs are explored throughout the themes.
TopIntroduction
The vast majority of Americans, nearly 97%, disapprove of extramarital sex and expect sexual monogamy in their relationships (Allen et al., 2005). The rates of reported extra-relational intimacies significantly decreased between 2000 and 2016, during that same time American adults demonstrated a perceptual change with a statistically significant decrease in the number who reported affairs as always wrong (Labrecque & Whisman, 2017). Even though year-over-year engagement in extra-relational intimacies declined, perceptions of those activities became more favorable. Extra-relational involvement, a taboo topic among couples and society at large, can range from emotional engagements to sexual relationships. Recognizing relational expectations may have been breached in cases of physical sexual involvement, emotional involvement, or even online involvement broadens the research scope on the topic of sex outside committed relationships (Allen et al., 2005). Researchers further acknowledge extramarital relations can manifest as a blatant “marital betrayal, although some couples may incorporate [extramarital involvement] into a satisfying open marriage” (Allen et al., 2005, p. 102). These types of relationships may also associate “infidelity” with “romantic emotional involvement or sexual activity with a person other than the primary partner,” blurring the line between previously agreed upon consensual non-monogamy and other types of romantic affairs (Fernandes, 2009, p. 6). Whatever the circumstance, extra-relational intimacy is the leading cause of relationship dissolution (Betzig, 1989, p. 669) and “one of the most common reasons to seek therapy” as a couple (Urganci et al., 2021, p. 1407).
This chapter focuses on the taboo nature of intimacy outside committed relationships. In this case study, episodes of a couple’s therapy podcast were chosen to highlight the similarities and differences in relational dialectics and individual needs of those facing extra-relational intimacies in two contexts: dalliances that occurred in an agreed upon manner in open relationships and those that occurred in secret and are popularly read as affairs. In selecting the cases to examine, the Where Should We Begin? series, dubbed “a podcast for anyone who has ever loved” served as a starting point (Gimlet Media, n.d.). Hosted by world renowned psychotherapist and couple’s counselor Dr. Esther Perel, the series allows listeners to hear from real, anonymous couples as they share the “raw, intimate, and profound” details of whatever brought them into the therapy session (Gimlet Media, n.d.). The podcast began airing in May 2017. November 2021 marks the fifth season of the show, bringing the total episode count to 51. This project selected six episodes specifically focused on couples who had experienced extra-relational intimacies. The selected episodes aired between November 2017 and September 2020.
Key Terms in this Chapter
Relational Dialectics Theory: An interpersonal communication theory focused on close personal relationships that highlights tensions and struggles. When worldviews, desires, and decision-making tendencies differ between partners in a relationship, dialectical tensions may emerge.
Fetish: A form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to a particular action, item, or body part.
Interpersonal Communication: The study of communication between two people.
Relational Communication: A subgenre of interpersonal communication focusing on the study of communication patterns and styles between two people in close relationships.
Taboo: Implied prohibitions of actions or ways of speaking that are socio-culturally bound.
Non-Monogamy: The overarching term encapsulating many forms or practices of non-dyadic intimacy particularly in exchanges of sex and love.
Therapy: The practice of meeting with a licensed therapist, counselor, or social worker to resolve conflict, problematic behaviors, and/or tensions.
Affair: A secretive or unagreed upon sexual relationship between people in which one or more parties are married to someone else.
Extramarital Relationships: A sexual relationship between a married person and someone other than their legal spouse. This also includes single people who have sex with married people.