Hair in My Feelings

The Nappy Years

Mbilishaka, et al. (2020), explain how African American women have had hair styling experiences with their mothers growing up that they internalize and can recount right through their adult years. My experiences confirmed what the authors informed as they are extensive, and I frequently recounted many to my own daughter as we shared hair experiences during her childhood. I recall one such experience that had such a profound impact on me and informed how different my hair texture was from that of which I loved.

My mother would frequently comment that my hair was thick and coarse as she would comb it for school or church. These two words were always used to describe my hair as a child. Of course, I did not know what those words meant, and probably thought both were flattering until I realized what they meant later in life. Throughout my childhood, I hated my hair and wished I could change it, and I did, if only for a few minutes daily. Each day, I sat on the floor in front of our floor-model television, watching cartoons and living out fantasies in my head. Every day the colored television in our living room played the Johnson’s Baby Shampoo commercial repeatedly, and I imagined myself as the girl in the commercial. Three words stuck in my head from that commercial - “soft, beautiful hair.” The little white girl’s hair in the commercial was long, silky, soft, and beautiful. Her hair draped over her shoulders. That is what I wanted, and that was what I imagined on myself as the commercial played, hence changing my hair for a few minutes daily. Each time the commercial came on, I sat glued to the television.

Do you know that Johnson’s Baby Shampoo was the only shampoo my mother bought? The commercial said it was gentle enough to use daily, so I did. I washed my hair as often as possible since the commercial said it was gentle enough to use daily. In addition to what the commercial said, my mom told me that the shampoo would make my hair look like the girl’s hair in the commercial if I washed my hair with it. Who would not believe their own mother? You know, if your mother said something, it was as good as gold; therefore, I believed her. So, I did; again, and again, and again. My hair never changed; rather, it remained the same each time I washed it…thick and coarse. I could not understand why. I was crushed. It was a severe blow to my ego. I did not like or want my own hair. In fact, I really hated it. What did I see reflected in the mirror? Black, coarse, short hair that would not move unless touched and, even then, would stand still. The worst part was going to the beach because it would look like a little black boy’s hair when it was wet - short and nappy, with little peaks of hair sticking straight up, making me look like the heat miser from The Year without a Santa Claus. My hair made me feel ugly, and I was ashamed of it. I wanted her [girl in the commercial] hair because her hair made her look pretty, while that is not the feeling I got from my hair. Wong, Williams, Tolliver, & Potts (2023) tell us that a mark of identity for African American women is our hair and that it can seriously influence our self-perception. My perception of self was confirmed by the authors’ point of view as I did not like my hair at all and felt badly about myself whenever my mother would comb and braid my hair. The combing process was a great challenge as it was physically painful. The physical pain was one challenge, but there was also an emotional component to it that was a completely different challenge and one that I believed would be my cross to carry for life.

Thoughts And Feelings

Adolescence was a challenging time for me, as I was subject to bullying and teasing along with suffering with identity issues. Other girls my age would express their discontent with their hair as well, so I knew this challenge was not unique to me. There were other challenges that my friends experienced during that time that I did not understand at that age, but hair was one of those challenges that we would share about. My primary challenge was my hair that influenced how I felt about myself, which I later learned that I suffered with low self-esteem. The authors Phelps-Ward & Laura (2016) supports this notion as they suggest that black adolescent girls face many challenges that negatively impact their self-esteem daily, and some of these challenges hinder them from reaching their full potential. The way I felt about my hair was the last thing I expected to have to manage, and I did not realize home deeply it impacted my self-esteem.